Alone.

You know that episode of Spongebob? The one where Squidward gets in that time machine and try's to get away from Spongebob and Patrick and he ends up in a white place all alone and he keeps hearing the word repeated over and over? Constantly reminding him? That's how I feel right now. Alone. I've been thinking a lot lately. About that day. June 3, 2011. The day the phone calls stopped. The day I swore that my heart stopped and that I would never go on. Well, I've made it 11 months and some odd days since then and it's still pumping hard as ever. But I still miss it. Notice that I said 'it' and not 'him'. Because I've realized finally that I in fact do not miss him. I miss what he made me feel. He made me feel special and wanted and I've never gotten attention from a boy like that before. Little did I know at the time was that if I had actually given a guy a chance I would have felt the same feeling as I did with J. I wasn't in love with him. No, that's too cliche. I was in love with the idea of love. I WANTED to be in love so I convinced myself I was. I've done that to myself a lot lately. Convinced myself I'm in love with practically everybody. Heck, I'm in love with a certain curly haired 18 year old Cheshire boy that will never speak my name. But that's crazy of course. I know you know who I'm talking about so I'll save my self the embarrassment. (but just for the record, I really am in love with him.) Anyways, it's 12:21 and I've been laying in bed juat thinking. About that day. So I thought I would just post on here. Lord knows its the only thing I have that people won't read. Nobody even knows this blog of mine exists. I have to admit, it's kind of nice. So, this is me letting go. Completely. Goodbye J, have a nice life with her.

Oh, The Life Of A Teenager.

I totally forgot I even still had this thing..

But, anyways, How have you been Blogger? I have been..well, I have been. That's all that matters..right? My Sophomore year of school is almost finished and it's kind of tearing me up. Next year I'll be going to PROM. It might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I can't believe next semester I'll only have a year left of school. I'm going to miss everybody so bad.

But I'm not going to think about that just yet.

You know how I always wished my life wasn't dramatic? Well, I got my wish. My life is literally nothing now. What is a life? I ask myself that question daily. All I do is sit at home in front of my kitchen computer and read fan-fics, get on Tumblr, and watch YouTube videos. That's it. Every once in a while I'll go somewhere with my friends on the weekend, but nothing to exciting. I stalk One Direction, and I swear I'm going to marry one of them one day. Call me a teenager, but I mean it. I'm in love with them. So. In. Love.

How am I dealing with the boy drama you ask? Well, I am doing just fine. It's been 10, almost 11 months since I have even heard from him. At times, I will admit that I do miss him. Especially when I talk to a guy on the phone, because they always sound just like he did. It's rather depressing. I don't even want to talk to guys at times because I always compare them to him. But no matter what, no boy will EVER compare to Harry Styles or Niall Horan. Those are truly the only two boys in my life that even matter. And they aren't even really in my life at all. I know, I'm a sad person. Let me have my fantasies though, all right?

I mean, don't get me wrong. I have talked to guys since then. I'm not a total recluse. I had a short two day relationship (I broke it off because of, well, complicated reasons) and I got really close to having another relationship but I caught the jerkiness before it had a chance to happen. And there have been other guys that have tried to talk to me, but I just never let them in. I'm still waiting for one of my boys. I'll be waiting forever, I know. Blah blah blah..That's all I wanna talk about anymore. Boys..mainly One Direction. I swear to you, I am obsessed. It's hard not to be tho. They're ExtrodinHARRY. They're PhenomiNIALL. They're FabuLOUIS. They're BrilLIAM. They're AmaZAYN. Yes, I really did just do that.

Oh, did I mention I'm writing a book? I didn't? How silly of me! I'm writing a book! About my experience with Ja- oh,  I almost gave away his name! So, let's just refer to him as J from now on, okay? You should totally read it, it's a good one.

You know, I think I'm going to start getting on here more often. Writing to nobody in particular kind of helps.. So, I shall see you again Blogger, sooner this time. I pinky promise. (:

Sincerely, Kaitlyn.

Dear Blogger..

I just went through and read all of my previous posts. Wow..all I can say is Wow. So many things have changed, and I was so dramatic! I'm sorry, for those of you who suffered through that mess. I seriously am. No more of that mess, pink promise.(:

So, I really have no clue what to write, but I feel as if I need to. Hmm..what's some things?

Well, this summer and as of the moment actually, I have been obsessed with finding my "perfect" college. And I am 99.9% positive that I've found it. I want to be a (I know what you're about to think) Plastic Surgeon/Psychiatrist. Now, I've had everyone ask me "Why in the world would you change what you want to be from a Neurological Surgeon to a Plastic Surgeon?!" Well, I've always wanted to be a surgeon of some sort, I've just never known exactly what. But it sounds weird and people will probably disagree, but I want to help people feel better about themselves. I strongly believe that people are all beautiful, no matter what. Some people just never see that they truly are. If getting plastic surgery helps them believe, who am I to stand in their way?

Anyways, getting back on track, the school I want to go to is the University of California:Santa Barbara. They teach like everything there, like I am not even kidding!! It's also RIGHT THERE ON THE BEACH. I love the beach, like I just can't even explain. I'm in love with the water, it makes me happy. And surfing is something I'm totally obsessed with, even though I've never surfed a day in my life. I really want to learn how to, though. It's at the top of my BucketList.

Well, I am getting very tired of typing soo I'll see ya'll later.(: Adios!

Let's Just Turn Up The Music...

I love life. :) I am so thankful for what God has given me. And I really regret not appreciating it at one point. But, that is all over now.

I FINALLY got my permit! I only wait like 7 months! Hahaha :) But, I didn't fail it a whole bunch of times so don't think that I'm stupid! Hahah I passed it on my first try!! I just didn't go and take it till the 18th! But, I have my truck now too :) Ford F150. I love it so much :) It's so loud and tall and just unf. It it was a person..yeah, that's all I have to say ;) JK JK!!

Tumblr is the place where it is AT. Like, seriously! This crap is bulllll!! But, I don't want anyone from my school getting on that website because then I wouldn't be able to post as much as I have been on there. Like personal stuff.

Well, I really don't have anything to say, ,,,,,, so Byeeee.

School is back in session. :)

I absofreakinglutely love school! My schedule is amazing, and I have every single class with Kelsey. This works wonderfully with me. :) I do wish that I had Candace in every class though, :/. And I have to take Algebra 2 this semester and then Algebra 3 next semester. :P Why did I have to be born smart?! Like I mean, SERIOUSLY?! I'm already a math ahead of what I'm supposed to be so WHY double it up on me?! Retards. But, it's all good in the neighbor hood, ya know?! I'm in an amazing mood, if you can't tell.

I'm still dealing with my depression. But, it's getting better day by day. I just have to literally make myself look at the good side of things and to stop moping. Medicine helps, too. Another thing that helps is Tumblr. I have met so many amazing and wonderful people on there that I can relate to and talk hours on end with and never want to stop. I feel like I can tell them anything and that they will always understand exactly how I am feeling and never judge me. That's because they are the most nonjudgemental people EVER and they have been through situations like mine.

There's only one problem with having internet friends, though. I never get to meet them. And, sadly, I most likely never will. Or anytime soon at least. They literally live all over the globe; Whales, New Zeland, Australia, California, London, ect. But I would still trust them more than anyone around here. (Except for Kelsey and Candace of course!) Skype does help wonders! And TinyChat, too! But still, it feels kind of impersonal. But it's gotten to where I have Skyped on a nightly basis with them all. They make me feel happy, loved, .. and wanted.

Summer's Coming To An End..

School is coming back. And, I have to say, I'm pretty darn excited. :)

This summer most deff wasn't the greatest for me. I'm not saying that it was horrible or anything, it just wasn't anything special. I mean, I did stuff with my friends and I got to know my family a lot better. It's crazy how I only talked to them when it was needed for like 6 straight months all because I was busy with some guy. That is deffinately never ever happening again.

It's pretty sad when I think about it. How much time and stuff I gave up when I was with him. I even thought that I was in love. He told me he loved me. He sure showed it when he got a girlfriend the day we broke up. Now he "loves" her. It's crazy how guys work ain't it? They just use people really. I'm just thankful it was difficult and that he couldn't get just what he wanted. Thank god. But seriously. I honestly don't give a crap about it all anymore. I just want to live my life and live it how I want with nobody tying me down. I just want to be free. Don't get me wrong, if my version of Mr. Perfect comes along then I will gladly take him! But, unless that person is Christian Novelli, Jon Duckworth, or Nol ( I don't know his last name :/ ) then I really don't see that happening anytime soon. So the heck with guys.!

Like I said, I'm super stoked about school! I can't wait to see what all classes I have and with who! One of the most strict and hardest teachers at my school recently resigned. You don't know how relieved I am. He would seriously made me have my mid-life crisis about 15-20 years early. I had him for one class, Law, last year, and I dropped out. He wasn't very happy about that at the time, so I don't know how well we would have gotten along this year if he was teaching me. A class I'm really excited for is photography! The art teacher said I have real potential and a good eye for abstract art. It really meant a lot to me. And this year I really want to get into school. Like study before every test and try my hardest. Because, in all truth, last year I barely tried. I didn't try actually. I was just so centered around that guy I didn't do anything that didn't involve talking to him. I revolved around him. I didn't even sleep or take showers without being on the phone with him. He consumed my life. But, like I said, that is all over now.

I have recently become a vegetarian. I've always been into animal rights and I visited Peta.org about a month and a half ago. I was so astonished on how farms treat and slaughter these poor innocent farm animals. I hope to become a full on vegan very soon, but I'm taking it slow. I've been a vegetarian for a month and a day now. :) This is something very important to me. And I'm glad that my family is backing me up on this. Well, sort of. They think that it's a phase that I'm going through and that I'll get over it. I won't. This is my lifestyle choice. And I LOVE it. Why would I stop doing something that I love?! Well, that's it for now little bloggers. Until next time.
      - Kaitlyn :)

Yeah, My Story Is Rather Depressing..

Well, Life effing Sucks pickles. The end.

So, I have finally decided..it is time for me to move on. I can't just keep myself wanting something that is never going to happen and keep living a life that is not my own. I've been depressed, hurt, and broken because of this whole ordeal. And it is my own fault. I should have stopped before I fell too hard. Or better yet, never have done it in the first place. Oh well, too late now I suppose. I've learned many many many things throughout this whole process however. And one, don't trust people. Especially ones who seem nice and friendly. The first opportunity they get, they WILL fuck you over. Don't believe me? Try trusting someone like that you don't know very well. I can guarantee it will happen every time.

I am also just going to stop worrying about everything. I'm 15 years old! I should only worry about my school work at this point! I'm not going to worry about guys, dating, or fake friends. I know who are my real friends and who aren't. I'm just going to stick with them and have fun while I can. I'm running out of time before I grow up as it is. I graduate in THREE years. It seems like a long time, but I know that it is just going to fly by. And it is going to break my heart when high school ends. So, I'm not going to waste my time on drama any longer. I'm just going to live my life the way I want to, and it is nobody's damn business if they don't like it.