Alone.

You know that episode of Spongebob? The one where Squidward gets in that time machine and try's to get away from Spongebob and Patrick and he ends up in a white place all alone and he keeps hearing the word repeated over and over? Constantly reminding him? That's how I feel right now. Alone. I've been thinking a lot lately. About that day. June 3, 2011. The day the phone calls stopped. The day I swore that my heart stopped and that I would never go on. Well, I've made it 11 months and some odd days since then and it's still pumping hard as ever. But I still miss it. Notice that I said 'it' and not 'him'. Because I've realized finally that I in fact do not miss him. I miss what he made me feel. He made me feel special and wanted and I've never gotten attention from a boy like that before. Little did I know at the time was that if I had actually given a guy a chance I would have felt the same feeling as I did with J. I wasn't in love with him. No, that's too cliche. I was in love with the idea of love. I WANTED to be in love so I convinced myself I was. I've done that to myself a lot lately. Convinced myself I'm in love with practically everybody. Heck, I'm in love with a certain curly haired 18 year old Cheshire boy that will never speak my name. But that's crazy of course. I know you know who I'm talking about so I'll save my self the embarrassment. (but just for the record, I really am in love with him.) Anyways, it's 12:21 and I've been laying in bed juat thinking. About that day. So I thought I would just post on here. Lord knows its the only thing I have that people won't read. Nobody even knows this blog of mine exists. I have to admit, it's kind of nice. So, this is me letting go. Completely. Goodbye J, have a nice life with her.

Oh, The Life Of A Teenager.

I totally forgot I even still had this thing..

But, anyways, How have you been Blogger? I have been..well, I have been. That's all that matters..right? My Sophomore year of school is almost finished and it's kind of tearing me up. Next year I'll be going to PROM. It might not seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I can't believe next semester I'll only have a year left of school. I'm going to miss everybody so bad.

But I'm not going to think about that just yet.

You know how I always wished my life wasn't dramatic? Well, I got my wish. My life is literally nothing now. What is a life? I ask myself that question daily. All I do is sit at home in front of my kitchen computer and read fan-fics, get on Tumblr, and watch YouTube videos. That's it. Every once in a while I'll go somewhere with my friends on the weekend, but nothing to exciting. I stalk One Direction, and I swear I'm going to marry one of them one day. Call me a teenager, but I mean it. I'm in love with them. So. In. Love.

How am I dealing with the boy drama you ask? Well, I am doing just fine. It's been 10, almost 11 months since I have even heard from him. At times, I will admit that I do miss him. Especially when I talk to a guy on the phone, because they always sound just like he did. It's rather depressing. I don't even want to talk to guys at times because I always compare them to him. But no matter what, no boy will EVER compare to Harry Styles or Niall Horan. Those are truly the only two boys in my life that even matter. And they aren't even really in my life at all. I know, I'm a sad person. Let me have my fantasies though, all right?

I mean, don't get me wrong. I have talked to guys since then. I'm not a total recluse. I had a short two day relationship (I broke it off because of, well, complicated reasons) and I got really close to having another relationship but I caught the jerkiness before it had a chance to happen. And there have been other guys that have tried to talk to me, but I just never let them in. I'm still waiting for one of my boys. I'll be waiting forever, I know. Blah blah blah..That's all I wanna talk about anymore. Boys..mainly One Direction. I swear to you, I am obsessed. It's hard not to be tho. They're ExtrodinHARRY. They're PhenomiNIALL. They're FabuLOUIS. They're BrilLIAM. They're AmaZAYN. Yes, I really did just do that.

Oh, did I mention I'm writing a book? I didn't? How silly of me! I'm writing a book! About my experience with Ja- oh,  I almost gave away his name! So, let's just refer to him as J from now on, okay? You should totally read it, it's a good one.

You know, I think I'm going to start getting on here more often. Writing to nobody in particular kind of helps.. So, I shall see you again Blogger, sooner this time. I pinky promise. (:

Sincerely, Kaitlyn.