Alone.

You know that episode of Spongebob? The one where Squidward gets in that time machine and try's to get away from Spongebob and Patrick and he ends up in a white place all alone and he keeps hearing the word repeated over and over? Constantly reminding him? That's how I feel right now. Alone. I've been thinking a lot lately. About that day. June 3, 2011. The day the phone calls stopped. The day I swore that my heart stopped and that I would never go on. Well, I've made it 11 months and some odd days since then and it's still pumping hard as ever. But I still miss it. Notice that I said 'it' and not 'him'. Because I've realized finally that I in fact do not miss him. I miss what he made me feel. He made me feel special and wanted and I've never gotten attention from a boy like that before. Little did I know at the time was that if I had actually given a guy a chance I would have felt the same feeling as I did with J. I wasn't in love with him. No, that's too cliche. I was in love with the idea of love. I WANTED to be in love so I convinced myself I was. I've done that to myself a lot lately. Convinced myself I'm in love with practically everybody. Heck, I'm in love with a certain curly haired 18 year old Cheshire boy that will never speak my name. But that's crazy of course. I know you know who I'm talking about so I'll save my self the embarrassment. (but just for the record, I really am in love with him.) Anyways, it's 12:21 and I've been laying in bed juat thinking. About that day. So I thought I would just post on here. Lord knows its the only thing I have that people won't read. Nobody even knows this blog of mine exists. I have to admit, it's kind of nice. So, this is me letting go. Completely. Goodbye J, have a nice life with her.